Introduction

Analyse three or four layers in a typical interaction. Look for distorted communication, particularly between what people feel and what they say. Use the value columns (six and seven) to search for what is really going on. This is usually the client being a victim or competing unhelpfully. Invite the client to think how he or she can change things for the better. Use a tough but supportive style. For further help, see the worked example.

There is considerable distortion in Fred's communication. What he does is incongruent with what he feels. He is colluding with Mary's remote and very tasky style. You can see this from the value columns (five and six). He is being a victim. There is possible common ground for improvement as both are interested in Fred making a contribution.

You could help Fred level with Mary and create a more productive partnership. Fred could say "I am feeling sad and frustrated at the moment. I want to talk about how we are working together and how it could be better for both of us. What I need is...? What do you need from me?" This direct communication is often frightening in prospect. Ask Fred what is the worst thing that could happen and what will happen he does nothing. Get him to rehearse the conversation with you. Encourage him to be congruent even to go 'over the top' with you. This gets the negative feelings out and will empower him.

How would you like the relationship to be?

You can use seven-column analysis directly to improve a relationship. Use the columns, below, as before. This time you decide how you would like the relationship to be and take responsibility for making it that way. The technique is now a planning tool. The worked example should make this clearer.

(You can download editable blank forms here) 

Analysis

Fred's communication is now congruent. What he says matches what he feels. Mary responds to his need to make a contribution because this meets her needs for productivity and efficiency.

The people we interact with are used to us being a certain way. They may be suspicious of sudden or dramatic changes, even positive ones. They may think you are manipulating them. Slow and gentle changes are more effective. Most people find role-playing the preferred interaction a few times is very helpful. They become more comfortable with it and that makes it more effective in practice. 

I would be pleased to hear about any new and interesting uses of this tool that you discover.

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